Which would be a poor but not completely unreasonable way to describe what happens when you squish a clump to split it into individual grains so the oil can cook it evenly instead of making an oily white rice ball that has a fried outer surface.

I’ll assume they’re talking about breaking up clumps instead of the thing a serial killer would do and then just phrased it poorly.

Must be cold, give it a blanket.

I’m worried that stupid is our best case scenario. For all we know, the rest are stupid plus a cattle prod to the junk so might as well stick with the one that isn’t currently zapping my balls.

That one’s for chess moves.

Skip the preamble and lead with the last line, you’ve already won me over.

Jet fuel can’t melt steel beans.

Probably just has to drool into the collection jar considering how much time these guys spend sucking themselves off.

If you enjoyed the book, check out the album Haunted by Poe. Anyone with a functioning radio in the 90s may have heard Angry Johnny a time or ten but she’s got some other good tracks too. Poe is the stage name of Anne Danielewski and, if the last name is familiar, that’s because she’s the House of Leaves author’s sister.

Strong entry for an Ig Nobel Prize if nothing else.

Friend-ulums.

Could also serve casu martzu. No name change needed, it’s scary enough as-is.

Arson, murder, and jaywalking.

Turns out this was all due to a clerical error in the contract back when the system was built: instead of UN Secure Information Access, they got Unsecure Information Access.

On a related note, https://youtube.com/watch?v=Gg5KfL-4asE

But if I probe a deer, they say I’m a deviant and put me on a list. Bullshit double standard.

Somebody had to find out whether there really was a Mew under the truck in Red and Blue after all.

Careful Pinocchio, one more lie and she’s going to start choking.

Somebody misread “ſeptember” and just went with it.

The name fits, it’s just that the only people in the world who give a shit about baseball are from the USA.